On 25th February 2011, my mum died. She was in a care home at the time. Her death was very sudden and primary cause of death was pneumonia, secondary cause was a stroke. She was 83 and had dementia and had been in care for six months.
When I read those words, I still find it very difficult to accept and believe, as though it’s not real, even though it has been five months.
To say her death was a shock, would be an understatement, it literally knocked the wind out of me as it was totally unexpected and sudden. One day she was fine, the next she was gone.
What I have been unable to understand is the effect my Mum’s death has had on me. It was something I had thought about, bearing in mind her age and her dementia and I honestly thought that when the time came, I would be able to accept it and move on.
The truth is, I haven’t and I don’t know why. It is as though my spark has gone out and I just don’t know how to get it relit. My inspiration, motivation, passion and drive seem to have deserted me and I find myself feeling low and flat most of the time. Even my own sons have noticed it and commented that I do not seem to be the same person since my Mum died. That I seem to have lost my zest for life. And I know they are right.
Being in the coaching profession, I have done my best to face up to and acknowledge these feelings and to question what is going on and so far no answer has presented itself.
I have not cried since my Mum died and have never felt like I wanted to. Instead I just have feelings of apathy and emptiness.
I understand that it is a situation I’ve not been in before, losing my mum. so maybe it is part of my grieving process. So even though due to her dementia we have not had the same mother/daughter relationship we did have for a number of years and even though she was in a care home in Essex (Where her and my Dad lived, my Dad is still in the house and going strong at 89), 250 miles away from where I live and have lived for 27 years, I guess it was that she was still here. I still had my Mum in the world and now I don’t. My Mum has gone.
What I do know is that it is like something in me has gone as well and I do not know what to do to get it back. I have to believe that whatever it is will come back and re-ignite my spark, my joy for life. And I pray it comes back soon.
In the meantime, I can only hope, have faith and focus on the good and positive in my life. I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I wish I could appreciate it more than I do at the moment and I am working on it.
I miss my Mum a lot and I hope wherever she is, she is happy and healthy and enjoying herself! And I hope she knows that I loved her very,very much and always will.
Janet Wilks August 2011